Voldemort's Biggest Fan
by Laura Scofield
Summary: Obsessive Harry Potter fan Tayend gives Lord Voldemort a call. BMT/Harry Potter Crossover!


**Voldemort's Biggest Fan**

_(This is my fic for the Crossover Challenge! _

_Tayend is an obsessive teenager in this, in case you're wondering why he's so OOC :P And there's references to the Harry Potter books, which you may not understand if you haven't read them/seen the films, so sorry about that!)_

TAYEND: Helloooo? Is this Lord Voldemort?

LORD VOLDEMORT: Yes, this is the Dark Lord speaking.

TAYEND: Oh great, I'm your biggest fan _ever_! I know everything about you!

LORD VOLDEMORT: Like my phone number? Who betrayed me and gave it to you?

TAYEND: I seduced some long-haired blond guy I suspected of being a Death Eater, and found your number on his phone.

LORD VOLDEMORT: That scoundrel Lucius is in _so_ much trouble when I get my hands on him-

TAYEND: Yeah, that was his name! Anyway, I've been researching you for the last few years, and it's amazing how much information I've found about you in the Great Library.

LORD VOLDEMORT: How much do you know, you insolent fool?

TAYEND: _Everything._

LORD VOLDEMORT: You should prepare for death, little child, because I don't allow people like you to live very long.

TAYEND: You're so very funny!

LORD VOLDEMORT: I'm also very serious.

TAYEND: I've even figured out that you have a seventh Horcrux you don't even know about!

LORD VOLDEMORT: Silence, foolish lad! I will not be mocked by a halfwit such as you.

TAYEND: I actually have your first Horcrux, that little diary, with me right now! I keep it under my pillow.

LORD VOLDEMORT: WHAT?

TAYEND: Every night I write in it, and your younger self writes back to me. How romantic!

LORD VOLDEMORT: YOU FILTHY LITTLE MUDBLOOD, HAND THAT DIARY OVER OR ELSE-

TAYEND: Tom Riddle and I are the best of friends now! I've never actually _met_ him, but some of the things he writes to me are really quite shocking!

LORD VOLDEMORT: I doubt my former self would ever stoop so low as to befriend _you_!

TAYEND: That's where you're mistaken! He's promised to run away and marry me if I help him escape from the diary. At first I was wary, but then he told me about all wonderful things he wants to do to me when he's free-

LORD VOLDEMORT: Is one of those things to _kill_ you, by any chance?

TAYEND: Of course not! But Tom Riddle has a filthy mind, I'll tell you that! I couldn't even understand half the things he was saying to me.

LORD VOLDEMORT: That's because you're a senseless, conceited, frivolous little-

TAYEND: You know, I'm going to warn Riddle that he's in danger of turning into _you_ when he's older!

LORD VOLDEMORT: Yes. You do that.

TAYEND: …Can you make me a Death Eater?

LORD VOLDEMORT: What?

TAYEND: Please?

LORD VOLDEMORT: WHAT?

TAYEND: PLEASE!

LORD VOLDEMORT: Don't you _dare_ shout at me, you worthless piece of muggle-born trash!

TAYEND: I just wanna get a cool tattoo on my arm, like yours!

LORD VOLDEMORT: The Dark Mark is no petty tattoo! It is a sign of my followers' unwavering loyalty and devotion to me-

TAYEND: I'm devoted! I sent you flowers for your birthday last week!

LORD VOLDEMORT: I thought those were from Bellatrix!

TAYEND: That crazy bitch! Haven't you dumped her yet? You can do so much better.

LORD VOLDEMORT: What? Like _you_?

TAYEND: I've decided I don't like you much anymore. I'll stick to your younger, handsomer, more polite self, thank you very much!

LORD VOLDEMORT: I'm still going to hunt you down and kill you.

TAYEND: So it's a good thing I know your only weakness, isn't it?

LORD VOLDEMORT: Nobody knows that! Except me!

TAYEND: Yeah… Tom Riddle told me.

LORD VOLDEMORT: Damn it! I was always such an idiot before I became the Dark Lord.

TAYEND: Tom and I shall take over the Allied Lands, so you better be nice to me from now on!

LORD VOLDEMORT: I will NEVER bow down to a worthless little fool like YOU-

TAYEND: Shut up for a second! Tom's writing in the diary to me!

LORD VOLDEMORT: He's- what's he saying?

TAYEND: He's sending me some dirty slash fanfiction that he's written. Do you wanna hear?

LORD VOLDEMORT: What? My younger self would _never_ write fanfiction, much less slash!

TAYEND: Ooooh! He's paired you off with Harry!

LORD VOLDEMORT: Oh dear god I'm going to be sick.

TAYEND: Your pet snake is getting in on the action too!

LORD VOLDEMORT: Look, I've had enough. I'm going to find you, and when I do I'll-

TAYEND: I'm kinda busy right now, can you phone back later?

LORD VOLDEMORT: Don't you DARE hang up on me! I'm Lord Voldemort; the most powerful sorcerer in the world, and three times winner of Witch Weekly's Most Evil Wizard Award!

TAYEND: …..

LORD VOLDEMORT: I don't _believe_ it. He hung up on me!

_(Let me know what you think__! I know it was random… And Voldemort was harder to write than I expected! But I always wanted to do a BMT/HP crossover :D)_


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